Changing old habits, learning new

The reason behind doing 90 in 90 in AA (90 meetings in 90 days) must be to change a way of life. If you do something THAT often, it's a good chance that it's going to become habit. So today was my third day, and the old feelings of "Uhhhh, I don't want to do this, I'm tired, I don't want to do ANYthing" came creeping in! Ended up not going to the noon meeting, but I forced myself to get the house cleaned up and go to a 7pm meeting. Now, again, this was a new meeting for me, so I still had the fears of walking in alone to something I did not know, but hey, turned out to be a very small meeting (maybe 10 of us), lots of coffee, pretty nice topic. Talked about our experiences with "Dry Drunks". That is times that we were "dry" on our own, but were not working the program and therefore the dryness didn't last. I've had lots of those! I shared that THIS time since I am trying to work the program, I have caught myself doing somethings differently and I've been sober for four days, rather than maintaining my old ways, resisting change, and just not drinking for a few!

When I got home, dh told me that one of my gf's called. I was a little surprised, haven't heard from her in a bit..we never seem to call each other unless we are going through some drama in our life and want to drink together. So dh said he told her I'd be home around 830, she said she might pop over. I was a little apprehensive about that, what should I say to her? Would she expect me to have a six pack on hand? Well, she never did "pop over", but maybe I shouldn't try to hide from her either, maybe she needs to talk, not that I'd be the BEST to talk to right now but I could listen and just simply tell her that I quit! Let her take it from there.

Dakota's First day back to school! Kayley's very first day!

Well, there goes one kid out the door to 11th grade at Williamsport Area Highschool http://wasd.schoolwires.com/williamsportareahs/site/default.asp He left the house wearing shorts, a hawaiin grass skirt, a khaki colored floppy hat and singing "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner"! So let's just say he is EXCITED to be going back to school! It did not dawn on me to take a pic of him this morning until he was already rushing out the door! DUH! I was charging the phone cam so that I could take it with me for Kayley's first day! I will have to get a pic of him afterschool (I'll make him put the skirt back on). Now, one more to get up and get her out of here! YEAH!!!!

Second Meeting

We talked today in my meeting about Tradition # 2:

"2. For our group purpose there is one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern."

I'm not sure how I'm feeling on the "God, as he may express Himself" part yet, I mean I believe in God, I know that SOMETHING has brought me through a lot of tribulations in my life which seemed pretty bad but always turned out for the best, but I haven't completely got with the "letting go of my own will" part yet to accept an HP completely, or exactly what part He will play. The discussion led to a lot of sharing about how no ONE member is there to govern the group (as much as our control freakishness wants to lead, we are but one member making the group a whole, once we have accepted this, we can learn humbleness), and how each member has something to offer...the need for an OPEN MIND is so important. You may go into that meeting and with an OPEN mind you may hear something that really drives something home for you; with an OPEN mind you may realize that YOUR self pity is not really warranted, some others may be in a worse situation, and you may be able to help them with your story! With an OPEN mind you may realize why a lot of bad things have happened in your life, and you can understand how to avoid miserable things in the future that make you feel so "jaded", with an open mind you will open your heart to a lot that you have never experienced, and the pain will go away (or subside, atleast)!

With an OPEN mind today, I was able to walk in there and I actually did encounter a few people that I have had encounters with in my past...encounters that did not go well, so there I was...faced with that original fear of being in a room with some people that I did NOT want in my life and did NOT want them to know anything personal of me, but with an OPEN mind I kept pushing negative thoughts away and remembering that they too obviously felt the need to be here and get sober, maybe more than I did! Also, a person of great support to me made this comment to me yesterday of my fear: in an AA group they would know you. But you'd know them too, right? I mean, they can't very well look down on you, if they are there too." When she said that, it was like...DUH! Why couldn't I see it that way? I was just thinking of myself!

Someone at a meeting told me lastnight that I will develop whole new friendships, friendships unlike anything I have ever experienced before, she made an example that in my alcoholic life, I would leave the bar usually ALONE and maybe feeling miserable at the end of the night, I would go home and puke my guts out ALONE, but with AA if I am upset, the members would NOT let me leave ALONE, they would be most sure to go with me and talk with me, hold my hair back while I puke my guts out, pat me on the back, or just hug me until I felt better. They would give me phone numbers of people that I could call anytime of the day or night (my friends in my alcohol days would NOT go to those extents) I don't know about anyone else, but that's a better happier life to look forward to compared to what I HAD!

One other thought that I heard today, made a lot of sense so I will hold onto this one: If I am battling with 99 problems in my personal life and pick up a drink, then I will have 100 problems!

Oh, sorry I have to add this too, one other little personal triumph for the day: Came home from a meeting to find my dh on the phone with my best gf (now in the past, dh has commented that he did not WANT me to have a relationship with this gf due to her personal problems affecting our life, and if I didn't want him "hanging out with friends" then I couldn't either). He was really hollering over the phone! At first, I didn't know if he was outside, downstairs or where he was and couldn't figure who he was talking to or about what. Until I listened and realized that he was speaking of a past event in our life, and he was talking very negatively about ME! His attempt at blaming ME for not having any contact with her, saying that HE was not to blame for us not talking, that I was only trying to make it so he had NO friends in his life! Now normally, I would have gone off and blew up, and a spark WAS set off, but I quickly controlled it, let it go and I have thought all day about it...this was an area where I have caused him pain with my mismanagement of my own life. Regardless of him not accepting some of the blame, there are areas where he had plenty of GOOD reason for not wanting me to talk to this gf, because my past indiscretions were to listen to her problems and then relate them into OUR life and take it out on the one that I loved the most...HIM. And he has had GOOD reason to worry over how I would act after being around her, worries that I would make BOTH our lives together unmanageable after being around her. SO, all I can do is try my hardest to see my own faults, try to understand the pain I've caused him and then do different from here on out!

First Meeting

I went to my first meeting! Here's my fears going in and how I felt after..
1) feared walking there and people seeing me AFTER, once I got there, it didn't phase me
2) feared people knowing me at the meeting and hearing personal family business AFTER once I got there and heard speakers, it didn't phase me
3) feared people repeating my business outside of meeting AFTER once I got there, it didn't phase me, I'm trusting what I say there will stay there
4) feared that I haven't been sober that long and wouldn't be taken seriously AFTER once I got there, and heard others, it didn't phase me!
5) feared that my family wouldn't take me serious AFTER once I walked out the door to go to the meeting, it didn't phase me because I was on my way no matter what they thought I am capable of.

I remember someone posting in a group about two people that went to the exact same meeting, and how those two people left the meeting with totally different takes on the meeting. I got to this meeting tonite, at first I was scared because of the amount of people there, I was hoping it to be smaller and I wouldn't have to share infront of so many people. At first I was a little annoyed at how every small noise in the meeting place made it difficult to hear what was being said, but then thought "next time I better sit up front". At first I was a little annoyed that it was a "Speaker" meeting and that I might not get a chance to get things off my chest. Turned out that the Speaker touched on a lot of things that I could relate to.

A couple things that really stuck out about what the speaker said, he went over his experience with the 12 Steps, since my brain has been in such a fog lately I have tried to read some of the big book and the 12 steps that a group posted for me, but I just can't concentrate and understand a lot of what I am reading...this speaker broke it down for me and gave me some vision into what I should be expecting to work on. He spoke a bit about his sponsorship of others, so that gave me some insight into what I will need to look for.

After the speaker spoke, there was a bit of time for some sharing, and I took that opportunity to unload, I thanked the speaker and let him know that I really needed to hear what he had to say tonite, and it was obviously meant to be a "Speaker" night for my first time.

Many people afterwards greeted me, shared a bit and I got some phone numbers of women I could call for help. I was going to just walk right out, but they didn't let that happen, so I ended up talking to quite a few people for quite awhile afterwards and learned of some meetings held each day close to home for me, and these people will be there too, so I won't feel so alone! One woman made sure I had a number to call her day or night, and I WILL use it if need be.

So, I'm glad I didn't wait for my sister to have that woman call me tomorrow. I heard what the group was saying, and I didn't want to go anywhere near making any type of excuses, I just had to go.

"I'll SHOW YOU...I'll hurt me!"

I wasn't doing very good today! And I felt like just hanging my head and never opening my browser window again out of shame! I was excited about not drinking for two whole days, and felt that others were excited with me, and then lastnight happened, and I just wanted to hang my head in disappointment and shame and just never admit to it! BUT, that's not being HONEST with myself now is it!?

And I pretty much expected lastnight to happen, that's probably...NO, that IS why I left the two cans of beer in my fridge leftover from Wednesday nights drunken episode! As I mentioned in a group, my decision to stop drinking was at first put as an ultimatum on my dh...that if he would stop going out at night I'd stop drinking! That was the deal, but inside my heart, I just wanted to stop drinking PERIOD! Because I'm knowing that I'm out of control and I'm not handling things without drinking!

Well, lastnight HE broke his part of the bargain! And I kept sitting there as the minutes continued passing after 11pm (his curfew deal), with each passing minute my rage increased! the minutes turned into a half hour, then an hour, then finally he comes walking in at 12:20am! Sounds so immature to get so upset over a grown man's comings and goings, I'm not his mother, nor do I want to be, but it's the disrespect and the breaking of a promise and his need to place other people and things above his relationship with me that hurts the most! His constant badgering about my drinking and the name calling he does out of anger just to use my condition to hurt me and then to turn around and act like he is willing to compromise with my feelings if I change "my ways" because he is afraid for my health, but then to disrespect me and throw me right back into another tizzy of emotions that I can't handle!

So anyhow, he broke his word, but that didn't mean that I had to break MINE to myself, but out of spite I waited for him to walk through the door and I popped the top to that beer can right in his face and gave a toast "to you and me, BABY!" Well, he turned his broken promise around on me (knowing that he cannot put blame where blame is due, and that also enrages me) he walked about the house counting beer cans and then insinuated that he KNEW i had been drinking all day long and THAT is why he stayed out until 12:30 and broke his word! His calculations of the number of beer cans was WRONG, and I had not drank at all that day he just wanted to justify his actions, but he was playing head games on me, battling what I knew to be RIGHT and he wouldn't admit it!

We argued until 5 in the morning, I then slept until 1:45 in the afternoon! I am losing my days to this, I am losing my normal routine of life, I felt like a slug on the floor that someone should just step on and squash! I woke up with the shakes and my whole body just feeling like crap! I felt weak, I felt like crap!

I know i probably need to go to groups, I need some support in the middle of the night to detach myself from what he is putting me threw, but my problem with that is the groups around here will not provide me with anonymity...I'd walk into a group and 50% of them would know me, and I don't want ANYONE to know me! I wish I had had someone to call lastnight, someone to run and talk to and then again leaving the house in the midst of it all may lead to more problems in my marriage! I'm not leaving my marriage, I was married before and I have been in a lot of screwed up relationships, I know he loves me and he is going through a lot of his own stress and he has been hurt by me in the past and does not believe in me right now. I'm sure there is a lot of thoughts of "grass being greener elsewhere" going on inside his head, cuz I have put him through a lot, but he has remained here for me and the kids to a degree that he can deal with right now! He has been able to detach himself from my actions that have been hurting him, but I am battling with my own detachment issues now! When I married dh the vows were for better or for worse, we are going through some worse times but we share "better goals" and they ARE obtainable! So physical separation from him is NOT an option, that has only made our problems worse!...

broken promise

I THOUGHT we had come to a deal Thursday morning after dh was out Wednesday night until 2am, dh would not go out more than twice a week no later than 11pm and I would quit drinking. It is now 11:17pm and he's not home! Can't wait to hear his excuse, can't wait to see what time he comes strolling in! Should I have a can of beer in my hand waiting for him to walk in the door so I can pop the top? It would blow my near two day sobriety, but it sure as hell would drive my point home!

Head Games

As much as I try to think things are going to change, he is on this wild mission to buck my feelings! As much as I think he should be here at home, existing within a "normal" relationship, he has to be out running around every night! It wasn't bad enough that he wanted his friend coming over here at 1:15 am lastnight, so I find a way to get over that, I think everything will be fine and dandy, and instead the mother fucker stays out until 2am this morning! And all he can say is "I didn't mean it" as if time just got away from him and his friend and they didn't realize what time it was! Yeah, he'll be cool for one day, then right back to the fuck ups again! Now he's trying to play this 11pm curfew shit on me, and that whenever he asks me to go out to the bar...I should just jump and go with him. However, whenever I want to go do something he's always too busy! Watch within the next couple days, he's going to find a night when it is most inconvenient for me, ask me to go out, when I say I'd rather not, then all deals are off and he will say fuck it and do whatever he wants again! He knows how to play the games, and he just waits for the most inopportune moments! Well, I just hope that his friend went home and HIS wife/girlfriend, whatever she is, put him thru hell too! Fuck them both! I just feel like I should be a stone cold bitch and never even talk to him! Tells me that he is bored with me! Fuck you asshole! Like you are so goddamn exciting or something!? Please! All you do is sit infront of a computer, or ride your little bike around fucking town! Big fucking deal! Oh yeah, that's going to excite me!

Something IS going to change!

Okay, I took down the list of houserules! Here's my new plan! I'm NEVER going back to work! I'm going to work right here at home! I'm going to do all the household chores, lickety split, then I will have until 3pm to do whatever before picking up Kayley from school, take care of the kids needs, get involved with Kayley's school, do household improvements and crafts, go to the store shopping and spend his "hard earned money" and of course...yard work. I will do all this all day long, and at 9:30pm I will take a shower, slip into something silky, short and comfy and from that point on, with the kids tucked snugly in bed, I will walk all around my own home dressed in the silky nightie, if dh still wants his friends over to the house, then they will see me in all my glory! Or he will simply tell them NOT to come over cuz it's too late and his wife isn't dressed!

Nothing changes! Grow up

I told dh at 10pm, I was sick and going to bed, his only thought "you don't mind if my "new friend" comes over do you?" Why bother to ask me? You know it bothers me, but you are going to have him over anyhow! I mean, give me a break...one is sick, so you invite people over to the house? Even if I wasn't sick...why have people in my house at 10pm???!!! I woke up at 1:15am coughing and puking up phlegm, running to the kitchen in my underwear and t-shirt, and he came up to let me know that his "new friend" hasn't come over yet, and he is still expecting him! He just wanted to warn me, so "new friend" didn't see me in my underwear AGAIN! I mean, COME ON! 1:15 in the morning! When I first met Jake, he told me all these things about how our life was going to be, and that's the way I wanted it...no friends coming in and out of the house and our life, no constant hanging out in the bars! So because I'm pissed about this, the only thing he can say in his defense is that I still have my ONE friend who I talk to everyday! And that when she has problems with her BF, then I act different towards Jake! Oh, okay, so now I can't have any friends if I expect him not to have his over to the house at 1:15am and if I expect him to keep his ass out of the bars! Cuz "he's 28, he's his OWN man!" PLEASE! No, you have it twisted, you are NOT your own man...you are in a relationship, you live with someone and two children, you NEED to carry yourself a certain way...instead of like a SINGLE MAN!!!!

Applause for Prez Bush

President Bush's Radio Address from Saturday Aug 20th gives Cindy Shaheen her answer! He will NOT bow down to her stalking and her demands of a meeting with her, he has plans to meet with our soldiers instead! Cindy, you had your meeting, now go home!

In his address he had this to say of his upcoming plans: "During the coming weeks, I will meet with some of the brave men and women who have been on the front lines in the war on terror. Next week in Idaho, I will visit with some of the fine citizen soldiers of the Idaho National Guard. I will also see the men and women of the Mountain Home Air Force Base who played a leading role in the air campaign in Afghanistan after the September the 11th attacks. I will thank all of them for their service in the war on terror and I will thank the families who make their essential work possible." "Next week, in Utah, I will also address the Veterans of Foreign Wars Convention and thank the proud veterans who have given today's troops such a noble example of devotion and courage. At the end of the month, I will join our veterans and current service members in San Diego to commemorate the 60th anniversary of V-J Day, the day that ended World War II, the bloodiest conflict in human history."

And to sum it all up, this is what he has to say to the protesters (and I do believe he couldn't have said it better on behalf of all of us troop supporters): "In this war, many of these brave men and women have given their lives to defend their fellow citizens and to bring the hope of freedom to millions who have not known it. We owe these fallen heroes our gratitude, and we offer their families our heartfelt condolences and prayers. Now we must finish the task that our troops have given their lives for and honor their sacrifice by completing their mission. We can be confident in the ultimate triumph of our cause, because we know that freedom is the future of every nation and that the side of freedom is the side of victory."

Cindy why don't you help finish the task of completing their mission by showing your support and love for the soldiers that are doing their job, like your son did! Instead of your crusade of blogging to Iraq women and blaming our president, why don't you blog to our soldiers and tell them "Thank you, keep up the good work!" Send some soldiers some good will boxes addressed from your fallen son to his comrades! Go home, rebuild your family...you still have children that need you! Your mother most likely suffered her stroke out of worry for you! Your husband wants a divorce!

Uneventful Day

Today was a very uneventful day! Stayed up late lastnight, well actually, I was in bed by 11pm, then dh woke me up at 3am, and then laid back down around 8am; slept way too long! I'm not liking this messed up sleeping schedule one little bit, and Kayley will be starting school on Aug. 30th, got to get back on track! Kayley played in the yard a bit, I played on the computer, talked to GF on the phone shortly. No new news there!

Here is an article from our local news, which has me up in arms! This guy ought to be stabbed 31 times and thrown out into the middle of town like a dog! And I bet you any money, it comes out in the news that this woman DID have a protection from abuse court order at one time, or she had contacted the police several times in the past and they did NOTHING! What the heck is wrong with these men?

Williamsport Woman Allegedly Raped And Stabbed By Former Boyfriend

(Williamsport) -- A 24-year old Williamsport woman is in serious condition at Williamsport Hospital's intensive care unit after allegedly being raped and stabbed numerous times yesterday morning. Her 32-year old former boyfriend is jailed, facing a long list of charges, including attempted homicide. Police say David Jett of 311 Center Street picked up the victim at her East End home around 8:30 yesterday morning and drove her outside the city, allegedly raped her and stabbed her as many as 31 times. She underwent emergency surgery yesterday afternoon.

Police say Jett drove the victim back into the city and ordered her out of his vehicle near the corner of Washington Blvd and Market Street. Police say she was bleeding profusely when they arrived on the scene around 10 o'clock yesterday morning. Jett later drove to Williamsport City Hall and surrendered to police. He is now jailed in lieu of $200-thousand bail. (By Kathy Thomas)

Transplanting again!

Okay, so my snitching to the landlord about the neighbors accident with the porch post obviously upset him very much. He came to my door looking for hubby. I told him that he wasn't home right then but should be back soon. He began walking away saying "Yeah okay because I always talk to the man of the house before I go talking to the woman"...well, that just got my goat! I told him to hold up, he doesn't go talking to my dh about anything that has to do with this house, that I pay the rent to the landlord, not my dh, and if he has a problem he needs to come directly to me! So he began telling me how he didn't appreciate me telling the landlord, and I told him I didn't appreciate his wife ramming her car into the porch and exiting the car, leaving it rammed to the porch post as if nothing happened, that if she can't drive then she shouldn't be behind the wheel and especially not parking out in the grass where kids play. Then it all got into how it's his portion of the yard, yahda yahda yahda. Well, great for him, all he is doing by parking in the grass (which is not a driveway) is killing the grass making it look nasty, and I told him he obviously doesn't care how he lives. He kept giving me the sob story of how the front door doesn't open right and his poor wife can't carry the baby all the way around the house! Oh please! Number 1, get on the landlord...that is a code's violation for the front door not to work properly. I asked him what would happen if there was a fire in the kitchen, how would his wife and baby get out of the house? He said she'd take the door of the hinges! Yeah, I see that happening in the panicked moment of a fire! Then he started mouthing off about my personal business between me and dh, obviously someone has told him some personal things; however he did not have his facts straight, and that's about when dh walked on to the scene and took it from there. Neighbor got quiet real quick, dh told him that if anything happens to our daughter or nieces and nephews because of his car parked in the yard, then that would be his ass, point blank. Neighbor ended saying he was moving anyhow, I said Good Riddens!

Well, this confrontation prompted me to uproot and transplant all the plants I had infront of the lattice wall which hides the garbage cans (at the end of neighbors said portion of the yard). I transplanted them in my little section around a chair, it actually makes the wooden chair really stand out. I can see it next year when the black eyed susans, daisies and lillies really grow in (this was their first season, so they are still rather small), the chair will just kind of be tucked into it's own little garden oasis.

This transplanting prompted me to pull up all the shumac weeds that grew like wildfire from all the sudden rain we've had. These weeds were growing all along the side of the building almost entirely covering the little sidewalk, vines growing up into the cable and phone lines attached to the building, growing up into the shingles on the house, all infront of the building, growing out of the lattice panel covering the bottom of the porches. Both neighbors on each end NEVER get out there and take care of their areas, they just let it go until I can't stand to look at it anymore!

Anyhow, must do me good to get riled up, because I just get to working feverishly and get a lot accomplished in a short amount of time! I had dirt from head to toe! I had some plants rooting in water in a window box type planter. The water that was in there was all nasty and dirty so I had to spray it out, there was these little tiny black parasite looking things swimming around in there, don't know what they are but I see them in any still water out back (like Kayley's swimming pool, if I leave the water in it too many days!). YUCK! So after getting filthy and cleaning this planter box out, I sat down to take a load off. I was dripping sweat, I look down to wipe my chest and I saw those black parasites in my BRA of all places! EEEOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!! How the heck did they get on my chest! Totally gross! So I ran for the shower and still don't feel clean!

CRASH!!

Well, I had an appt this Thursday morning, lasted til 11:30 (that woman just talked and talked and talked!), then I came home and right away go BLASTED by dh for calling the landlord and "snitching" on the neighbor for ramming her car into the back porch! The neighbor apparently got on dh and accused him of being the snitch! Yeah, ok, since when is dh so concerned about what others think? I told the dh that I didn't give a crap, the woman had an accident with her car smashing the porch column out of whack, that could lead to severe shifting and damage, especially if the landlord doesn't get it fixed and then the snow starts piling up on it, the whole damn roof will come crashing down! Dh then started getting on me, "Oh now you know all about carpentry! Now you are an expert?" I told him that it only takes LOGIC not a bachelors degree to figure out that if one porch post becomes unstable then the whole roof can shift and cave in. I went over to confront the neighbor, they didn't answer, so I left them a note! I don't care! I don't want my child hit the next time she attempts to drive! Well, later dh DID state that the damage COULD get worse if not fixed....DUUUHHHHHH, that's exactly what I said, but NOOOOO he has to argue with me first!

That just made me snap! I cannot stand walking into a house and getting jumped on! Then that all just led from one thing into another! So I cleaned the house furiously, posted "House Rules" to the kitchen cabinet where all could see, telling all that they will now be responsible for their own dishes, laundry, etc and to put all things back where they found them. I refuse to be the only one doing ALL the housework, cleaning up after two slobs! I have enough to do running after Kayley, I should not have to be constantly picking up dishes, dirty clothes, washing all those dishes and clothes! I'm not a slob, why are they? Dh read the house rules and said "Humpf! I can live with that!" But, I've been reminding him all day now about HIS dishes laying in the sink...yet he has one excuse after another! Well, they can just keep piling up, I'm not washing them!

After that, I cooked dinner and took a very long nap!

What the Heck Just Happened

Well, I was upset with hubby lastnight, didn't get a good night's sleep, only to wake up and I began to check into my favorite Yahoo Group "Shabby Chic Garden Junk", which is a very gabby group. Before I could even get to the groups posts, the moderator caught me on Yahoo IM and began asking me if I too wanted to say anything, and I asked "what happened, what the heck did I miss?" When I left the posts lastnight, the members had been involved in a Suggestion Board "Meeting" called by the moderator. The moderator had been asking for suggestions to make the group the very best. The topics included contests, how often to hold them per year, if they should have prizes for the winners or not and who would supply the prizes, also they discussed donations to be sent in for things such as flowers and gifts for members, prizes, postage etc. The concensus seemed to be that the group really just enjoyed each others comradery, sharing pics and ideas, and just chit chatting. It was suggested that all the separate web pages was excessive work on the moderator and not really necessary, and that prizes were not necessary either but was a nice gesture. It was also suggested that any donations that WERE sent in be handled by the moderator, who we all seemed to trust just fine, and that the amounts and names of the donations not be posted publicly and it was to be known that the donations were NOT required! To make a long story short, the Mod got offended very quickly about her extra webpages not being necessary and began ranting like a baby telling the group "Don't worry. I'm cancelling everything." even though the members were telling her she was acting hastily!. The mod banned the three people she seemed to think were the instigators, UUMMM how exactly did she say it? Oh yeah, here goes...
"So tipical of someone to open a can of worms/put it out there/then leave! Simply a pot stirr'er! Now all this friction. I say thanks alot J/good going/and the others that followed. Birds of a feather you know. Some just can't be happy. They LIVE to get crap started!"

I mean, pppleeasse, what a little baby she is! After she got to me first and warned me of the banning of the first three, I went in and read the posts. They were nothing but supportive of the fact that it was maybe a lot of extra work, when they all just wanted was to enjoy each other. So I replied that I agreed, and then I got blasted with insults by the mod, such as.."YOU were rude from day ONE! with her mouth! and taste for words! Take a hike!" and this one " Listen bitch. No one liked you from the get go! Matter of fact there was alot of laughing behind your back! I was NICE in the beginning to not have banned your ass like I was asked over and over. I said...give'er a chance...I see I should have and am glad I did. You are merly trash with a big mouth. Is no wonder you found the looser your with! To peas in a pod baby!"

The woman is just a tad bit off in the head, I believe! Things don't go her way, and BAM you are booted! And as for her Suggestion Board...why even bother having one, when she can't take others suggestions!

So anyhow, what a crazy afternoon, it was like...Whoa, what just hit me in the face? But, those banned members and others that quit that Mods Group started another...MEMBERS ONLY! Much nicer and better, more relaxed, no competition...just chit chattin and sharing ideas!

Cindy Shaheen...You Piss Me Off

Your son joined the military. He knew what the risks were! He could have been right here, stateside, and died in a military exercise!

The military is not a "sit-behind-a-desk-paper-pushing-job"! What did you think? He was just going to join the military and there would be no chance of harm? The military is ran by the Commander-in-Chief and all his Defense Cabinet! If you don't like Bush and his decisions for this country then get your ass to the polls and vote otherwise! However, Bush was inaugurated in Jan 2001, 9/11 happened in Sept 2001, and Bush was re-elected Nov 2004 (MAJORITY voted for him, MAJORITY must think he is doing the right thing!)

Your son was over there to make a change, to start a process of reforming an already War Torn country! A Country that has lived under terrible rule and terrorism, the majority of those citizens over there do NOT want to live that way...they want to live the way, we as AMERICANS have the right to live! Your son was there to protect those citizens that want to make a change against those "Shi'ite rebels" and their "welcoming Wagons"! Your son was there because this all started out with Terrorists coming to our "safe shores" and blowing up two heavily populated buildings, and an attempt on our capital (which another brave hero thwarted!). Your son was there in honor of all the American lives (including loved ones) that were devasted by the loss of life on our "safe shores"! Your son was a HERO! One brave individual that gave himself over to the US Military (the military NEVER promised his safety, did they? No, it was the chance he took upon taking that Oath to follow the Commander in Chief, who MUST follow his Defense Cabinet!).

Your son was one brave individual who's memory will go down in history! One individual that served this country, among thousands and thousands that have served and died to protect our way of life from those who want to harm us and push their terroristic ways on to us! Your son is not the only one who has died! Let his memory live on! You are making his sacrifice out to be as though it was not worth it!

If you believe so highly in Anti-War then go live in Switzerland! The USA is NOT, NEVER HAS BEEN, and NEVER WILL BE a neutral country!

I am proud of your son, and when and if MY son chooses to enlist and join the military, then I will be proud, and I will forever be aware of his chances of risk! Your son took a job with very high risk, he took an Oath to follow his commanders orders, not to question them!

What you may fail to realize is that there are a lot of citizens over there being persectued, killed, and terrorized for their beliefs, their dreams of freedom! What would have happened to this land that we live in if our ancestors had not fought and DIED for our beliefs? If our Allies had not come to our aid? You wouldn't have the right to sit here and bash the man who was elected by the majority of the US, now would you? You would have been killed for your outspoken ways against a KING or QUEEN! The Commander in chief has many many other things to think about besides Cindy Shaheen's feelings! There is ALL of National Security to think of , there is our Allies to think of, there is the threat to the ECONOMY to think of...put all this in the mix and how will the loss of ANY of this affect the US as a WHOLE!

What of all the Americans who fought for the rights of African-Americans to use the same bathrooms, use the same counters, sit in the front of the bus? Was it right for the white men who were killed for sticking up for them? It's a tragedy! But it's what is needed to make change!

Why should those people over there endure the terroristic tortures they go thru? Are you just going to turn your back on them and let them fight the Shi'ite Rebels alone when they don't have the force necessary? Yes, we have a lot of our own terrors right here on our own soil, but other countries are going thru it worse! Open your eyes, see past your own pain! You are not the only one who has lost a child to war! There were over 47 thousand killed in the Vietnam War, over 2300 missing in action, over 304 thousand just wounded in action! GET OVER IT LADY!!!! You already met with the Prez once, too bad you didn't like what he had to say, now you want to camp out until your demands of another conference are met? What are you but another harrassing terrorist threatening individual! Rallying supporters of your belief to camp out infront of the homes of residents down there in TX, causing verbal altercations and anger that could turn to a riotous disaster! I pray there is an end soon, but we ARE in the middle of a war! There WILL be casualties!

The president was elected BY the PEOPLE for the PEOPLE! I am one of those PEOPLE, and there are many more of us (who would definately elect him again, IF he could run again!), or he would not have been elected! I want our troops to go over there and FIGHT for freedom, and stamp out oppression! And I for one am so damn proud of your son for standing up and taking that Oath! If that country can be free than that's one less enemy the US will have! And they are SCREAMING to be free!

Take your energies, turn them from anger over losing your beautiful son, let him rest as a hero (what are you teaching your son's children by calling your son a "sacrifice", instead of teaching those children that he stood up for his country as a "Hero"), not a "sacrifice" and turn your energies into fighting for that countries freedoms to live a way of life that you yourself have been so accustom to and OBVIOUSLY take for granted! Pick up where your son left off, and FIGHT FOR WHAT HE WAS SENT TO FIGHT FOR!! It all comes down to FREEDOM and EQUALITY!

This picture in this Blog is of Larry Mattlage, Resident of Crawford, TX who has obviously been annoyed by your harrassment, why should he suffer from your disorderly conduct? GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY!

Nightmare

This morning around 5:30 I was twisting and turning with a terrible nightmare! I can't remember all of it now, but Fae were involved! Think it was because of looking at all the Fae villages on my Shabby Chic Group, then when I went into bed I watched Forensic Files and the Dale Hinman Murder Profiler show. On her show, an elderly woman was severly beaten about the face. The son was suspect, but Dale didn't believe he did it and that's when I dozed off. But then Jake had walked into the BR and made me turn the tv off (I always fall asleep with the tv on).

So when I was twisting and turning and fighting to wake from this dream, I was in a bed in a home that had many other beds with other people. I was an adult but acting very childlike. All of us were suppose to be going to bed because there was a big day ahead of us. However, one of our group had been beaten severly by some ghoulish fae type person, so we were all to be in bed where we would be safe. So I'm in this bed, and my arm was hanging over the bed, and that's when I began feeling a presence creeping into the room, a small presence at the door and then around the bed. I began to get real anxious and scared and was crying for this girl about my age, however in the dream she was SUPPOSE to be my mother (REMEMBER, I HAVEN'T HAD A MOTHER SINCE I WAS 5 YRS OLD) So she was holding me and covering me up telling me it was going to be okay. I began to doze, and my arm was touched again and I got anxious again and showed her these wet mouth marks on my arm!

That's when the dream got too scarey and I had to wake myself up out of it! I figured if I woke up, smoked a cig, got a drink then there'd be no way that dream would start over again! Once I woke up, with the dream fresh in my mind, I thought about running down here to type it out in an email to my group!!! Instead I woke Jake up and had him put his arm around me to keep the ghouls away, making sure that the blankets were covering every INCH of me!!

Constant Changes

Well, I was upset again lastnight! After arguing with Dakota (son) all day about his ideas for "money making schemes" and his lack of responsibility towards this house (in the form of doing his chores), hubby pops on me that he has invited a couple friends over. Okay here are the problems with this:
1) The house is a mess, cuz I'm the only one cleaning, so now I have to rush around and clean up in 90 degree weather!
2) Why all of a sudden, since you met these two friends just recently, are you so interested in now sitting out in MY backyard, which you have not had any interest in all year long?
3) Why, after sitting here for 9 months, brow busting me about going out drinking beers with my GF, you sitting there so SUPERIOR, telling me how you have only drank two times in the past 8 months...why now are you so ready to sit around with these "new friends" and drink?
4) Why do you even HAVE these "new friends", knowing all the problems we've had with "new friends" in the past? What were you talking about then when you kept brow busting me about "sticking to ourselves" and "not letting anyone in our little circle" and "no people coming to our home"
5) Why are you, who is so against spending money on a six pack, why are YOU the one paying for a CASE of beer for your "new friends" to sit around and drink!
6) Why did these "new friends" tell you that they'd be over around 9pm, then you had to go to their house twice to see if they were still coming, and then they never showed until almost 11pm? Why do you feel the need to practically BEG and BRIBE someone to be your friend?

It's always a great big CHANGE to my way of living when you choose to introduce someone NEW into our lives, and it always ends up being a bad experience, so why bother? You will change up everything, begin doing things differently which I will need to become accustom to, and in the end, you will come to me and say "I should have listened to you and kept to myself!"

Trying to Add a Photo

Now let me see if this works! I'm going to try and add a photo of my latest project: The Glass Totem Wall Sconce ! Oh My, I think it worked! I can see the pic, can you?

To Blog or Not to Blog!

I'm stealing this title from Wanda! It's a topic I have always wanted to write about but too afraid to! To Blog or Not to Blog, that is the question! I thought "should I start a blog? Who's going to read it? Will anyone be "put out" over the content of my daily blogs (which mainly comprise of the problems with hubby and kids)? Will anyone take anything personally? Will family or friends read something that may refer to them and get pissed? So here is my take on it all, and my decision to BLOG!:
SCREW ALL OF YOU IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY! It's my life, this is my only outlet! There are a lot of things I'd like to say to a lot of people, but I don't open my mouth every time I REALLY should! So if you don't like the things I say about my hubby, TOO STINKIN' BAD! He shouldn't be doing the things I'm writing about then! And anything else I might write about, oh well, that's my feelings and you can't do a dern thing about it! NOW CAN YA! Go click on something else and get out of my freegin' BLOG!

Catching up

Been a couple days, I haven't written anything, because my world just really doesn't seem all that interesting! I've been working on a few craft ideas. Made a windchime out of clear plastic CDs, bells and ribbon. Hung it from the "Ugly Tree", looks pretty there! And I am working on my glass totem candle sconces. That's taking me days, because I am waiting for the sealant to cure before adding the next item. Waiting is hard for me! I just want to put them together NOW! But if I don't wait for them to cure, I'll be defeating the whole purpose and end up with lopsided totems! My cat, Sylvester, already attacked the totems twice while I was adding the second level! Jumped at the wall where I had it hanging and knocked it to the cement floor, shattering a candlestick! BAD CAT! He ran and hid, he knew he was in trouble! Oh well, taught me to keep things out of his reach! Luckily they had an identical candlestick at the Thrift Store still! While I was there, I bought a child's rocking chair for $10. It's in good condition, I just have to change out the seat cushion and add a back cushion! The fabric that came on the seat is a old granny patchwork design...YUC! I'm thinking pinks and yellows to replace it! The chair will be for Kayley's BR, which sparked animosity in my son, Dakota! He came downstairs this morning asking for money to buy some IQ testing thing he saw on TV. SHOOT! The boy does absolutely nothing around the house, and yet wants money...don't think so! This sparked a battle back and forth of what he THINKS he does, and what I KNOW I've had to do since he WON'T, this argument spilled over into the fact that I bought the rocking chair. UHHHH! Kids!

Shopping

I went to the thrift store, and I did not find any bed sheets to re-upholster the couch with, but that's okay, I will hit a different thrift tomorrow, sure they will have the one's I'm looking for! But I did find a bed ruffle with pinkish-purple-mauvey ruffles with white polka dots. So I'm going to make curtains out of that for the kitchen window and kitchen door. I took the curtains I had hanging in the window already and put them infront of the open shelves to cover up the ugly plastic ware, looks good (hubby actually likes it too). I got 8 mauve dinner napkins, whichI will stitch together and make a table cloth, and thanks to Deanne, I'm going to find some lace for border! After shopping, I attacked the yard. Got some raking and weeding done, and moved Kayley's sandbox. Now I have all the seating around the porch area, and her playstuff in the shed area! I accomplished a lot! I've taken some before pics in the kitchen, hopefully tomorrow night I will have the curtains done and can post the before and after! Oh yeah, I found aReese's Peanut Butter Cup and a Butterfinger tin at the thrift store too, picked them up and filled them with candy bars for Jake, sinceI was out there spending money, HAD to get him something too! Goodnight all...

And then Getting Better

Well, maybe my "not sitting around passing up opportunities" helped matters a bit! After a really rotten and mentally challenging Sunday and spending the entire night and day away from home myself, hubby and I finally had a heart to heart, and he actually listened and cared this time. We discussed a whole lot of things that have been going wrong and shouldn't be. And that is our biggest problem, the lack of communication. Talking but not hearing, just blowing the other's problems out without even attempting resolution. I told him that I remember a time when we always made each other aware of where we were, what we were doing, and there was no worry. I wouldn't have to worry so much about his safety, because I could always read him like a book and he would keep me abreast of things, and as long as I heard his voice...then I knew he was okay. Somewhere along the line, he has gotten so wrapped up in his own affairs that he is cutting me out, and it was changing us and the bond we had. His schedule and mine have conflicted way too much, and we've been slipping. So hopefully we will both work on that and be more open to each other. Besides all that, I received the notice from the Unemployment Hearing, and the decision was reached in my favor and they found that I did NOT abuse my employer's attendance policy...YEAH!!! Grocery Shopping today....YUCK!! Glad that's done, now off to make a nice big dinner as soon as the Teen gets the kitchen cleaned up, then the Wee One gets dunked in the tub and off to bed, and I will be relaxing comfortably with some Law and Order by soft glowing candlelight.