"I'll SHOW YOU...I'll hurt me!"

I wasn't doing very good today! And I felt like just hanging my head and never opening my browser window again out of shame! I was excited about not drinking for two whole days, and felt that others were excited with me, and then lastnight happened, and I just wanted to hang my head in disappointment and shame and just never admit to it! BUT, that's not being HONEST with myself now is it!?

And I pretty much expected lastnight to happen, that's probably...NO, that IS why I left the two cans of beer in my fridge leftover from Wednesday nights drunken episode! As I mentioned in a group, my decision to stop drinking was at first put as an ultimatum on my dh...that if he would stop going out at night I'd stop drinking! That was the deal, but inside my heart, I just wanted to stop drinking PERIOD! Because I'm knowing that I'm out of control and I'm not handling things without drinking!

Well, lastnight HE broke his part of the bargain! And I kept sitting there as the minutes continued passing after 11pm (his curfew deal), with each passing minute my rage increased! the minutes turned into a half hour, then an hour, then finally he comes walking in at 12:20am! Sounds so immature to get so upset over a grown man's comings and goings, I'm not his mother, nor do I want to be, but it's the disrespect and the breaking of a promise and his need to place other people and things above his relationship with me that hurts the most! His constant badgering about my drinking and the name calling he does out of anger just to use my condition to hurt me and then to turn around and act like he is willing to compromise with my feelings if I change "my ways" because he is afraid for my health, but then to disrespect me and throw me right back into another tizzy of emotions that I can't handle!

So anyhow, he broke his word, but that didn't mean that I had to break MINE to myself, but out of spite I waited for him to walk through the door and I popped the top to that beer can right in his face and gave a toast "to you and me, BABY!" Well, he turned his broken promise around on me (knowing that he cannot put blame where blame is due, and that also enrages me) he walked about the house counting beer cans and then insinuated that he KNEW i had been drinking all day long and THAT is why he stayed out until 12:30 and broke his word! His calculations of the number of beer cans was WRONG, and I had not drank at all that day he just wanted to justify his actions, but he was playing head games on me, battling what I knew to be RIGHT and he wouldn't admit it!

We argued until 5 in the morning, I then slept until 1:45 in the afternoon! I am losing my days to this, I am losing my normal routine of life, I felt like a slug on the floor that someone should just step on and squash! I woke up with the shakes and my whole body just feeling like crap! I felt weak, I felt like crap!

I know i probably need to go to groups, I need some support in the middle of the night to detach myself from what he is putting me threw, but my problem with that is the groups around here will not provide me with anonymity...I'd walk into a group and 50% of them would know me, and I don't want ANYONE to know me! I wish I had had someone to call lastnight, someone to run and talk to and then again leaving the house in the midst of it all may lead to more problems in my marriage! I'm not leaving my marriage, I was married before and I have been in a lot of screwed up relationships, I know he loves me and he is going through a lot of his own stress and he has been hurt by me in the past and does not believe in me right now. I'm sure there is a lot of thoughts of "grass being greener elsewhere" going on inside his head, cuz I have put him through a lot, but he has remained here for me and the kids to a degree that he can deal with right now! He has been able to detach himself from my actions that have been hurting him, but I am battling with my own detachment issues now! When I married dh the vows were for better or for worse, we are going through some worse times but we share "better goals" and they ARE obtainable! So physical separation from him is NOT an option, that has only made our problems worse!...