Second Meeting

We talked today in my meeting about Tradition # 2:

"2. For our group purpose there is one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern."

I'm not sure how I'm feeling on the "God, as he may express Himself" part yet, I mean I believe in God, I know that SOMETHING has brought me through a lot of tribulations in my life which seemed pretty bad but always turned out for the best, but I haven't completely got with the "letting go of my own will" part yet to accept an HP completely, or exactly what part He will play. The discussion led to a lot of sharing about how no ONE member is there to govern the group (as much as our control freakishness wants to lead, we are but one member making the group a whole, once we have accepted this, we can learn humbleness), and how each member has something to offer...the need for an OPEN MIND is so important. You may go into that meeting and with an OPEN mind you may hear something that really drives something home for you; with an OPEN mind you may realize that YOUR self pity is not really warranted, some others may be in a worse situation, and you may be able to help them with your story! With an OPEN mind you may realize why a lot of bad things have happened in your life, and you can understand how to avoid miserable things in the future that make you feel so "jaded", with an open mind you will open your heart to a lot that you have never experienced, and the pain will go away (or subside, atleast)!

With an OPEN mind today, I was able to walk in there and I actually did encounter a few people that I have had encounters with in my past...encounters that did not go well, so there I was...faced with that original fear of being in a room with some people that I did NOT want in my life and did NOT want them to know anything personal of me, but with an OPEN mind I kept pushing negative thoughts away and remembering that they too obviously felt the need to be here and get sober, maybe more than I did! Also, a person of great support to me made this comment to me yesterday of my fear: in an AA group they would know you. But you'd know them too, right? I mean, they can't very well look down on you, if they are there too." When she said that, it was like...DUH! Why couldn't I see it that way? I was just thinking of myself!

Someone at a meeting told me lastnight that I will develop whole new friendships, friendships unlike anything I have ever experienced before, she made an example that in my alcoholic life, I would leave the bar usually ALONE and maybe feeling miserable at the end of the night, I would go home and puke my guts out ALONE, but with AA if I am upset, the members would NOT let me leave ALONE, they would be most sure to go with me and talk with me, hold my hair back while I puke my guts out, pat me on the back, or just hug me until I felt better. They would give me phone numbers of people that I could call anytime of the day or night (my friends in my alcohol days would NOT go to those extents) I don't know about anyone else, but that's a better happier life to look forward to compared to what I HAD!

One other thought that I heard today, made a lot of sense so I will hold onto this one: If I am battling with 99 problems in my personal life and pick up a drink, then I will have 100 problems!

Oh, sorry I have to add this too, one other little personal triumph for the day: Came home from a meeting to find my dh on the phone with my best gf (now in the past, dh has commented that he did not WANT me to have a relationship with this gf due to her personal problems affecting our life, and if I didn't want him "hanging out with friends" then I couldn't either). He was really hollering over the phone! At first, I didn't know if he was outside, downstairs or where he was and couldn't figure who he was talking to or about what. Until I listened and realized that he was speaking of a past event in our life, and he was talking very negatively about ME! His attempt at blaming ME for not having any contact with her, saying that HE was not to blame for us not talking, that I was only trying to make it so he had NO friends in his life! Now normally, I would have gone off and blew up, and a spark WAS set off, but I quickly controlled it, let it go and I have thought all day about it...this was an area where I have caused him pain with my mismanagement of my own life. Regardless of him not accepting some of the blame, there are areas where he had plenty of GOOD reason for not wanting me to talk to this gf, because my past indiscretions were to listen to her problems and then relate them into OUR life and take it out on the one that I loved the most...HIM. And he has had GOOD reason to worry over how I would act after being around her, worries that I would make BOTH our lives together unmanageable after being around her. SO, all I can do is try my hardest to see my own faults, try to understand the pain I've caused him and then do different from here on out!