Due to stumbling upon an article involving an unfortunate incident with the ex-DH (him and his girlfriend and "their" two sons house burnt up because of "someone" leaving a pan of grease burn unattended...okay...do you hear the sarcasm in this? I'll try to be better)...anyhow due to this unfortunate incident and my first reaction to it...I have come to the conclusion that I really really must work on seeing, hearing and speaking no evil! I really don't know how this is going to work, but I'm really really going to try hard! One Gabby told me that I'm probably feeling jealousy and resentment that DH has "seemingly" went on about his life with happiness, another Gabby told me that I've been betrayed and betrayal comes with a lot of emotions that I must work through, but she pointed out that he is in his own garden and I'm in mine and I need to tend to the hedges dividing the two and grow those hedges tall in order to "block it all out" in a way and just go on with my own garden, many other Gabbies told me that I should not think bad thoughts about him, and they are all right! I sure wouldn't want anyone thinking bad thoughts on me and mine. So from here on out...I'm sorry...and I'll tend to my hedges. I looked real hard yesterday at some areas of my life, and I must admit...I have nothing to *B* about really. I HAVE gone on with my life, and SHOULD allow others to do the same. I found happiness once again back with my "crew", those that have been a part of my life for 13+ years and the Gabbies, which have brought me through major depression. My life is ALMOST back to the way it was before I met DH, and I'll never look on my life again as if it needs to be majorly altered and rearranged...I am ME! I will be happy for what I have, and love every minute of it. My sister, D, showed up at my house yesterday...who I have not seen in many moons, she spent a couple hours here...just showed up at my door, as if a new door was opening. I look at my son, and can see the changes that he has made since him and I have gone down this new road together. I look at my daughter, and only can imagine the roads I will go down with her. And I'm just so happy for my friends, none of them really know how much they mean to me!

These items were purchased yesterday from the local TS. A bunch of frames. I bought them with the intention of taking the canvas from them, whitewashing them and doing my own paintings over them. Plus I plan on embellishing the frames, they are very boring brown wood frames. I'm not partial to brown wooden frames. The one white frame is just fine as is, actually it is very "Shabby Chic", almost looks like an old window frame...so that's why I got that one. I already took the canvas out of the other larger frame there before taking the pic. After I took it out, I think the canvas is too small for the particular painting I have planned. So, it will be back to the TS on Monday to grab up the larger one that I looked at but passed up. The two smaller frames are actually very deep, although you can't tell that from this pic. I picked those two with some "shadow box" ideas going on in my head. Of course, these will all be projects that sit around until some major "inspiration" flashes into my head!

Mardi Gras

Lastnight was the big Mardi Gras celebrations going on in our town! Nothing like New Orleans! It's so cold up here, it's not like partying in the streets, and our town only has one night club worth going to down town anymore. I can't stand going down town and waiting in the lines to get into the clubs downtown, so instead my GF and I planned on going to a local tavern and meeting up there. Much to my surprise, a couple more of my friends were already there. Usually they work second shift on Friday nights, so it was a happy surprise. We ended up staying there a bit, danced a bit, then went to another local club and danced a bit there too, so all in all...it was a good night out!

What's the town coming to?

I was told today that there was another shooting lastnight at one of the bars...it's all very troublesome! I kind of expect shootings in our town anymore...it's nothing like it use to be when I was growing up, back then there was only one or two horrific crimes. Now it's happening more and more often, but I expect this more during the warm weather months with hords of people hanging about...but now it's happening even with the bitter cold! I haven't heard yet who was involved in this shooting, and hoping it's no one that I know! My GF was shocked, because this was at a place that she normally likes to go to, she was glad we did NOT go there! One good piece of news...I saw my daughter's cousin out lastnight...he was shot back in October, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he survived and he's doing just fine and looks just great!

A gift to myself today! A very pretty silver ring with two gold beads and silver coil design in the middle. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a real good pic of it! It is just a symbol to myself of what I stand for and what I want out of life, also of where I am today and when I look at it years from now, I can remember where I was then!

This kinda brings up a topic I was discussing with the Gabbies, about being humble of my "rough times" and how hard times only make you stronger. I'm grateful that my son can see and understand how hard times can be, but we still love each other and we are happy.

Something else on my mind
I was recently told by someone that my DH is getting remarried in June. I'll admit, it was disturbing...I don't feel that he should be able to feel happiness of any kind, after his mistreatment of me...instead I'd like to see him terribly miserable. BUT...I guess that's not really fair. I have gone my own way, doing my own thing...which I'm sure he can sit back in judgement of as well, so it's not fair for me to wish him a life condemned to unhappiness...let him go his own way and find his true happiness...it just wasn't in the cards between the two of us. Maybe he WILL find someone to be happy with...I found happiness with myself and what I'M doing.

Dream Journal
This one was from the other night, but I felt it was pretty darn personal to be posting...but what the heck. I'll just change the names of the characters to Bill and Tracy. Okay...so I was out with Bill for the night, we got pretty intoxicated and it was time to call it a night. We were going home, and it was decided we were going to go to Bill's house. Problem was Bill has a GF, so I was concerned about spending the night in Bill and Tracy's bed and her finding me there. He said it wasn't a problem, she'd come home in the morning and she wouldn't have a problem with it. So I went, but still feeling uneasy about it. We do "our thing", I try to go to sleep, but sleep was uneasy because I'd nod off and then wake up several times watching the clock for Tracy to come home. When she did, she came into the apartment not knowing anyone was there, and then hearing a noise from the bedroom, she opened the door and walked in, telling Bill that she didn't expect him to be there. Then she noticed me, but I continued to lay there with my back to her and the blanket pulled up, kinda just not wanting to get into any confrontation with her. But she came over to my side to see who I was. As the dream went on, she really was "okay" with the whole thing, and I was just in their apartment as if I was "just a friend"...playing with their two kids...and then she gave me a ride home, and we made plans to do something together later. Told her I'd call her. That was the end.

Just a little something I painted up...a Rock Face?













This is my "Signage" for the Gabby Project, don't know if anyone else is really working on Signage, but I found the perfect piece of slate and wanted to capture a pink sky and silhouetted tree, and that's my favorite phrase. Just want to keep on believing that there really is a plan for my existence!

( Picture of my favorite Valentine Postcard!)

My Son Approves
Yesterday after taking Kayley off to school, I did a little housework and then a little sketching, just to feel around and see what natural abilities I have. Of course, Kayley saw my sketchbook then and had to have one of her own. She sat on the couch, legs crossed, tapping her pencil on her chin, just looking about wondering what she could start drawing. She decided on her "horse car", the remote control, the cats food bowls, then a portrait of Sylvester! Dakota thought I only had the two "paintings" in my sketch book until I told him there was new stuff added, so he checked that out and said I was real good, and wished he could draw like that. He USE to draw all the time, don't know what happened or why he stopped. He mentioned that his old buddies artwork is now hanging in the halls at the HS, he may have quit because of that, feeling he couldn't draw as well as that friend of his. Just a thought, but they don't get along at all right now!

More Stuff
I did talk to my GF yesterday a little bit, she was telling me all about her BFs court hearings, I just "half-listened" then changed the subject to my No Smoking Clock...she was finally impressed since it had been more than a whole day by then. I also talked to her about these other two girls that she talks to over the phone. These two live in the complex where I plan on moving to. I just wanted to make sure that she is not sitting around talking about my actions to these girls. I know she mentioned one time that she tells this one girl EVERYTHING because she feels that this girl is so far removed from anyone, so she would not go and repeat what she has heard. Which is so untrue, she repeats things to this other girl that lives two doors down and who is now calling my GF on the phone for chit chats. I just wanted to reiterate that she should NOT be telling these two anything about me. You know?... rereading that paragraph...it all sounds very immature and highschool daysish...but you know...that's exactly how it really is! One GF calling the other GF to get info on the BFs

No Smoking Clock....48.5 hours

Dream Journal
Woke from a dream around 3:30 this morning where I had reconciled with DH and we were moving all our things into a 2nd floor apartment that we were going to be sharing with someone else (can't put a face to the roommate). I remember in the dream that while moving our things around, there was a lot of litter and dust being left behind on the floors, as if the furnishings had been sitting there for a long time and never cleaned under. There was some tension between him and I, I didn't trust him to go anywhere, but it turned out he COULD be trusted. As I said I woke up from that dream (in one of my "puddles of sweat"), so after deciding on whether to sit up and write the dream down or try to go back to sleep...I decided to go back to sleep. That dream blended into another where I was now relocated down in VA once again, but I had come back up here for a long weekend. I saw a lot of old friends while I was up here, and first I tried talking DH to move down there with me, he said he would. Then as I ran into more and more "old chums" I didn't so much want DH going back down there with me. One "old chum" imparticular, who I had not seen in quite sometime, I was actually looking more forward to moving with me!

My Practice Sketches!

This is my attempt at honing in on my natural sketching of faces and hands. As Wanda from "The Bee Hive" commented, it IS extremely hard to do faces and hands. So, I want to work on what just comes natural for me, rather than what I copy from a picture or model.

No Smoking Clock...28 hours

I have decided once again to quit smoking, however this time I'm doing much much better. My past futile attempts over the last 20 years, since I first started, never got me much further than maybe 2 hours and major fiending and I was NOT a happy camper. This time just might be the winner! I can't believe I've gotten past one whole day and I have been able to resist my urges calmly...just by thinking of the smell, or the cost, or the amount of time I've already put into it. I haven't had to run to chew on anything, or stick something in my hands...nothing odd!

Dream Journal

I had a dream lastnight that I was seen dating a friend's husband...can't remember anymore of the dream and I don't know who's hubby it was because I don't have a notebook next to my bed, and I didn't get on to my blog right away. So what have I learned from this experience? That I need a notebook and pencil next to my bed.

Gotta make mention of The Bee Hive's interpretation of my dream from Sunday (go back and read it, and then read her interpretation under the "comment" section)...she really hit the nail on the head with that one, and I told her that I never would have seen it like that. I was looking at it more selfishly, more like being upset over losing Kevin's friendship. I especially liked her "take" on "the other girl" being ME!

Self portrait of an Era Gone By

http://photobucket.com/albums/c109/critfish/Gallery/

(L to R) Kayley, Mya, Roosevelt, Mya's cousin (forgot his name), Emma (Mya's Sis), Dillon (Mya's other cousin)
Mya's Birthday
Yesterday afternoon was spent at Kayley's Best Friends B-day party. I went over early to help her mother get things ready, but she had all the cleaning done, so there was only the streamers and balloons left to hang up. So, we were VERY early for the party. All the kids had a lot of fun, ate pizza and cake, played Twister. I'm so glad that Kayley's b-day is in May, during warm weather...we always have her party outside!

More of my GF
When we got home, Kevin called..talked to him for a bit about the apartment complex that I signed up for. He lives there, I was asking him which building he lives in because I don't want to be TOO close to him (LOL) He thought I meant so HE can't watch my comings and goings and be all nosey...I meant I didn't want anyone ELSE too far in my business! Then my GF called, and it was all about her "Mama Drama" and how her mother is so far into her business and life that she feels like she's 17 living back home again. As one of the Gabbies put it to me...I just asked her Dr. Phil's line "How's that working for ya?" She didn't get it! This girl isn't all about "change" right now...she's only about venting, doesn't want anyone's advice or opinion, doesn't want to change what isn't working...she just wants to continue on her path and *B* about it everyday of her life. I find it very BORING and it's getting real OLD!

Dream Journal
I was in another phase of my life, back when I was in my younger "Geo Nightclub Days", my circle of friends at the time were all hanging out at one particular bar, we would all come in there to meet up as a group, then usually all go elsewhere. However, Kevin was kind of going his own way, hanging out with another circle that we weren't familiar with. So, I somehow got involved with another guy who also wasn't in my "clique". I felt a feeling of trust about this guy, but kept looking over my shoulder watching Kevin. Then some new girl joined the group, I sat talking to her and getting to know her for a long time. The next night was a big night out for all of us. I was dressed to the max, and went to the usual spot, only to wind up sitting at the bar completely alone, while all of my "friends" were off doing their own things, talking amongst other smaller groups, and I was watching all of them over my shoulder. The new girl had now become the "center of attention".

Lots of Things

I've recently made some life altering decisions...I put my name on a list to move into an apartment located in the West End of town. (this is a pic of the apartments). This decision came out of finally realizing defeat (maybe not defeat...just realization of reality and my limits), that I cannot maintain this current home on my own on my income with the high ceilings, drafty shaking windows (regardless of how much plastic I stick up there) and the OIL heat (or lack thereof)...this place is just not conducive to my desire for a happy, stress-free lifestyle. And with age creeping up on me...hey...why not live in an apartment complex where I do not have to shovel heavy snow and climb stairs! I also plan to look into returning to school and getting into Social Services...this may help me with my passion to want to help other battered and low self-esteem women.

I've been struggling a lot with my feelings for my GF...wanting to resist the urge to shake her and make her wake up to the mistreatment she is receiving from her "sick relationship" with BF, but hey...who am I to give advice? One Gabby said lastnight, just to continue working on myself and maybe GF will see the changes in me and that may be strength enuf for GF someday! I'm just a very impatient person. And it's always been difficult to ONLY think of ME!!!! I always think more of others than myself! How sick is that!

Oh...and another Gabby pointed out one of Violette's Blog entries (I was just a tad bit behind on checking up with my fav blogs). Violette married herself on Feb. 3rd!! Kewl! check out her blog to the right here and see all the wedding pics! I just had to comment to her and let her know how inspiring that is to me! I was never able to pack away one of my wedding pics...it's a pic of just me and my two kids! I was going to post that pic on my blog..but, seems that I cannot locate my wedding pics...I thought I had them all saved to disk after my comp crashed, but now I can't find them at all! Scarey! Anyhow, Violette...all inspiring as she is...has inspired me to put my wedding band (that I paid for and chose) back on along with my mother's diamond! Since DH threw his across the street into someone's back yard, it obviously didn't mean much to HIM, but mine meant something to me...it meant being true to him and loving only him...well, since I bought it...I can wear it and be true to myself and love myself!

New Template

I'm back to this template that I originally started out with, I like the option of having the links there on the side, whereas...the other page didn't have that.

I did absolutely NOTHING yesterday, it rained all day, dampening my spirits as well as the earth! I did gorge on Fritos Corn Chips with dip, Pistachios and Pepsi lastnight while watching L&O. Prior to that, I finally watched the Wedding Planner, of course it made me bawl like a baby! Glad it was a happy ending, wishing my life would end up the same! HUH! Fat chance! I can't seem to find any Male Species that has enough of ALL the qualities I'd like...a good job, a decent life, good looking, sexually attractive...either they are good looking and sexually attractive and lack the other two VERY important characteristics or vice versa. Sorry..a good job and a decent life is nice, but it's also important that I don't get grossed out just looking at them! Am I picky? Well, yeah..okay..so what!

I'm suppose to be hosting a get-together for the Super Bowl here at my house tonite, don't really feel like going all out and doing anything that involves cooking, cleaning and planning, but GF already got a babysitter, that doesn't happen all the time, so we have to take advantage of it when it DOES happen! I don't even have any plans on who is even ATTENDING this get-together! It was only an IDEA that was thrown out there last week, so no one made any concrete plans, except my son and my GF...would hate to let either one of them down! But it's not much of a get-together if everyone else made OTHER plans! I just don't see my home as a get-togethery kind of place! You know what I mean?

Dreams of being in the process of moving once again plagued my morning slumber! I wish it would stop...I guess it's just the remaining feelings of my life being in constant uphevel. My dreams were probably because before going to bed lastnight, I had a phone conversation with GF, she is still at battle with her feelings over BF (who was just incarcerated...GOOD FOR HIM...GOOD RIDDENS, I say), she was telling me her feelings of still in the back of her mind envisioning him coming to her, bowing down and telling her that he finally came to the conclusion that SHE is where he NEEDS to be. I attempted to ease her mind, by letting her know, that I too sometimes think of DH having these same REALIZATIONS, so it's normal for one to sit back and think and wish that things would just change for the good, but with these men...I KNOW it's an impossibility...they just do NOT have it in them to be responsible and put the family first over their "desires for freedom". In my mind, if I was to take my DH back, ever...it would be more of a humiliation and an embarrassment, knowing what he had put me through...It would be like the little boy who cried "WOLF", then did not heed the warnings, and then no one would ever take him serious ever again when he was in REAL DANGER! But for my GF, she just doesn't see that what BF has done to her over the years makes her look "stupid for putting up with it" She can't see how much richer her life would BE without him and his stress...I mean, all of our friends NEVER take her serious anymore when she says she's had enuf and has broken up with him, everyone expects her to be right back into it, then she sits back and wonders why no other man wants to approach her...she has an Aura of Untouchability around her. So, anyhow, today's pic is of a calendar that a friend sent to me....click on it to see it larger! And if you can't catch the meaning...check out the chick sitting back reading about dieting, yet she continues to munch on cookies and cake...different results come from different actions! Nothing will change when you keep doing the same thing over and over again, which obviously didn't work each time!

Snowman Contest

Kayley's school is holding a Snowman Contest, all the children were to design a snowman no bigger than 24" and no smaller than 6". It will be displayed and judged in the school library. The snowmen were due today, so I had Kayley out at the kitchen table putting paper mache on a 2 litre soda bottle. She did an excellent job! I only helped her around the neck, nose and arms, and then added some color this morning since it was soaking wet still lastnight. It was fun, we made a real dripping mess of everything.

What else has been going on? Oh...okay..GF and I talked the other day. It was Monday night, I guess it was, when she called me. Maybe that's what we both needed. Just a little break from each other. I didn't back down on how I felt about her and her BF though, and as I thought would happen...he dogged her out again while we weren't speaking, so she called to discuss our "friendship" since he's now out of the picture again. I feel bad for her, because as is true to his personality..he's been seeing someone else, hasn't been calling her up and trying to get back in now for over a week and we ran into this other girl out the other night. We kinda figured that this other girl was planning on meeting up with BF there because all HIS friends were up in there, coming and going..so he was probably lurking around outside waiting for my GF to leave so he wouldn't get caught. This all made her pretty upset, kind of like it was all sinking in that he REALLY is involved with someone else, but she still feels that he is going to keep coming back to her, but she wants to be strong enough to keep him away. Also, another friend of ours told us that BF and the other girl were together at a party she was at, so his family is covering up for him. They all know, but won't just come out and say anything to my GF other than "I don't know what's wrong with him, but he really does love you and the kids"...shoot LOVE doesn't fix it all!

I sent an email to my older bro asking him if there was anyway that my sis got the link to my blog from an email I sent him. He said that this sis doesn't have access to the internet. I don't know how else she would have come to the conclusions she did though? who is talking to her?...but I REALLY don't know how or why she asked GFs mother the financial questions she did! It's very odd and I don't like it a bit. I ended up calling and leaving a message on her machine to stay out of my world!

Nosey Sister!

Well, my oldest sister just proved my point! I haven't spoke to her in a couple years because of how nosey she is, she has this habit of getting close to you, extracting personal info, then running with it..telling her co-workers and anybody else your personal business. She also thinks her shit doesn't stink...always trying to tell someone what and how they should be handling their finances...yet she was living off her credit cards, borrowing money from her own daughter just to stay a float, and then got her hands on my bro's children's SSI, living in the lap of luxury with a campsite, new camper and a new car and truck but won't allow my bro money to buy the baby a carseat unless it's one that SHE chooses and gets on discount, but then has no receipt to show how much she REALLY paid for it!...how does a person achieve all those "fine extras" when only working part time? Hmmm? Makes one wonder if she wasn't using the money she was suppose to be stashing for my niece and nephew!

Anyhow...these are just some of the reasons I haven't spoke to her, not to mention her sickening "baby attitude" over pickled eggs and a Limo in regards to my wedding! Now, the most recent antic of her's...she drives by my GFs house yesterday, sees my GFs mother out front, makes a point to stop, back up, and park, get out and start talking to the mother...asking the mother personal, financial questions about my GF and making mention that she heard that I "wasn't treating GF very nice lately"...which my GFs mother has no clue about what goes on between me and my friend... Where in the hell Sis got this info is beyond me...at first I thought maybe I mentioned my GF painting her house, and our most recent argument here in my blog and maybe my Bro sent the link to her, so I read thru all my posts, and she didn't get that personal info from here, so I don't know where she is getting her info, or why in hell she'd even see fit to step back into my world after all this time! I was gonna close the Blog down, but now that I know her misinformation came from some other source (probably my SIL, somehow)...I'm determined just to let her know that I want NO part of her, and she just needs to stay away from me and my friends. I know her intent was for the knowledge of her "little visit" to my GFs house to get back to me! Well, it did...and now it just made me dislike her nosey personality even more! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU WEREN'T INVITED!!!!!!!!