"Couples"

Illustration thanks to http://www.samuelsdesign.com/comics/pages/secrets_love18.htm

Just the other day, I was watching the Morning Show on NBC, it had a couple segments on there that caught my attention. The first being "What Women Want", this segment was intended like a survey that says women mostly want a "Traditional Relationship" with a man that affords them enough emotional and financial support allowing the opportunity to be "Stay at Home Moms". The other segment was with Dr. Carole Lieberman http://www.expertclick.com/search/outsideurl.cfm?groupID=996 and her new book, "Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them, and When to Leave". After watching all that in the morning, then I was out and about for the day, continuously seeing "Couples" holding hands, calling each other on cellphones, making plans, over hearing mothers talking about their "babies daddies", etc. So then it dawned on me lastnight, that what is dragging me down the most is this whole "couples" image. I think that in my mind it has been implanted that one is to have a "partner", and since I've never been able to get that right then there is something "odd" about me...something missing...something so totally wrong...something that I am yearning for. And this is probably where most of the resentment is aimed at DH, for messing that up.

I was venting to GF about how "pissed off" I was that DH made such a big deal about his "budding friendship" with his new male friend, and this was where a lot of the problems were coming from in the late stages of our relationship...his "strong desire" to have friends to the point of lying to me about his whereabouts, his not coming home until the late hours...just all the total disrespect that he was washing me in because of this "new friend"...yet when it came down to us separating...this "friend" didn't "take him in"...instead he had to find "shelter" with another woman.

I just find it all very confusing. In a "normal" relationship, both people are expected to have individual and mutual friends; but for me, "friends" were always something to fear, because of the actions that my SO would take thereafter, it was always a ripple in my calm sea. But I guess that is where I have chosen "abnormal" or "bad boys" who are not capable of keeping friendships at a safe distance. I always told DH that he took everything to "EXTREMES"...everything he did was way too far out. Any hobby he got involved in, he would just immerse himself in so totally that it would cause him to neglect everything else that was going on, and this is what he did with "friendships".

I have to really look at my life...not to over analyze...because I do that so often...but, what I see is that in general "relationships" are not a good thing for me. Yes, I yearn for that "Traditional Relationship" to feel safe and secure with a real partner for life, but I really don't believe that is in my future because of the lifestyle that I have become so accustom to. I can't trust, don't want to trust, don't want to have expectations placed on me or hold expectations on anyone else either. I want the day to come when my children are raised and out of the house so that I can come and go as I please, never asking permission or "do you mind" or explaining myself, but with this I also have to get comfortable with the fact that this does not include a "Traditional Partner", and I just got to be okay with that. I have a "Non-Traditional Relationship" with Kevin; we always have a good time, we laugh, we have mutual friends, we have a long history, there is love there (somewhere), we look forward to seeing each other...but he's not able to be there when it's convenient for me...or when I really need him to be. So I struggle with all this because it seems a little selfish on my part. On the one hand, I say that I want my freedom, but then on the other, I want companionship when I want it. I can't just be happy with the middle road. And the image of couples really bothers me!