Suffering

I had some problems tonight. The other night too, but I dealt with that and dh seemed to back me. My "friend" from the bars had come over to my house, turns out she just wanted to use me as an escape from her son to drink behind his back. My dh had told her I was going to meetings and quit, so I wasn't expecting her to ask me if it would be okay to get beer to drink here at my house. I was taken off guard, and didn't want to NOT be there for her no matter what she needed. I got through that and dh said I did well, and he hadn't expected her to want to drink infront of me either, so he was proud of me. Him and I have had some conversations thru the week about alcohol affecting my health, so I thought he was really in my corner. Until he asked me tonight "would it bother you if I got some beer and drink at home with "friend"?"

I couldn't even believe he asked! But I used it as an excuse and said "Sure, then I'll drink right along with you, seeings how I'm only aloud to drink when you say it's okay, and we will just drink and get plastered until it's time for you to go on probation, then I can suffer all through it again from the start!"

I didn't get very far before I saw myself losing everything I want in life, a life of not hurting so much, a life of not fighting so much, a life of not worrying about dying from alcohol. I just wanted to cry and there was no one here that understood what I had lost. I tried calling a couple people on my list, until I finally reached one that I haven't had too much conversation with but she listened and understood, and told me that I needed to distance myself from it, and take care of me. Another woman from my meetings returned my call, and I told her everything, she's going to make it to the meeting with me tomorrow. And she too told me to take care of me. I took a hot bath, read some of Isaiah. Funny...when I opened it to that chapter in my Women's Devotional Bible, that day's devotion was all about transformation and the first four chapters of Isaiah talks of my HP's disgust with his people's sin and fake prayers, and how He just wants His people to turn it all over to Him and He would give us riches beyond all our needs! This helped me to relax and see that I would be okay...for awhile. Then I was awoken by the phone ringing in my home at a late hour and my dh's "friend" still being here. This is NOT the way I wanted my life, and this is NOT what he told me our life together would be like! I told him that I am an admitted alcoholic and I CANNOT be around all this right now, and that I thought he was behind me on this. He DID ask his friend to leave and removed the alcoholic beverages, he was a little mad at my reaction, but seems to be over it and has agreed to a Non-Alcoholic Labor Day cookout with non-alkies and the kids. I told him that my life could not consist of this, and that he would have to make a choice between me recovering and our relationship getting better or him being with his friends, and that I would be choosing my recovery. I love my dh very much, we have been through a lot, and I can't ever imagine anyone else taking my back and caring about my welfare as much as he would. I know he isn't suffering with my problem the same way I am, but he doesn't understand it either, just uses it against me when he's mad at me, which I'm trying real hard to not allow that to affect me anymore.